Another day in Paradise..

Boys are back in school and fall is on its way. Time for camping weather. We have found that we would much rather camp in the fall months than the summer. Of course the trees are so pretty and the air is so crisp.
I'm looking forward to going to Jenny Wiley park and seeing something new. We have never camped there before. I hope we have nice weather. Fall break isn't far off.

Summer!

I'm so glad summer is here. Although, we had great weather in Florida the first week. Since we have been home, blah!  I think we have had two days that have been nice. What crappy weather we have. I feel sorry for the kids!  I'm mean mom who wont let them sit in front of a TV or video game all day long so they are boooored!  I think I might get some of the school papers out and let them see how mean I can be. LOL

Big whoop

So I'm one day away from my 39th birthday. For some stupid reason, I'm depressed over this. I can't explain it. I guess because other than a few facebook posts, no one has made anything out of it. Selfish??? probably, ok definitely. But really, is it too much to ask that my husband and kids take one day of the year and make it about me??!!
I'm a year away from turning 40. It is starting to bother me. When I look at old pictures and see the girl I was....I would give almost anything to have that waist and those legs back!!! I know, I know its a trophy. If I didn't have this body than I wouldn't have 4 beautiful boys to make up for it. And they do... Believe me, I do not regret having 4 kids in any way. But it is really hard to be a person who fights depression anyway and then to look at yourself in the mirror and hate what you see. I'm in a no win. If I go to the gym and try to work on it, Steve gets jealous. If I don't go, I hole myself up and eat junk food. Either way, I feel like I'm struggling. I can't make anybody happy. In my house its more like "if Daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Mom has nothing to do with it. If mom ain't happy....what's new?
OK enough whining. Don't have time for tears. I have stuff do to that doesn't get noticed unless I don't do it.
Love to all
Suck it up, right? Yea I know what you are thinking.

And along came Prozac....

Last time I posted, I was not in a very good place. I went to the doctor and told her that I am tired all the time and I am not enjoying all of those little things that I should be. She added Prozac to my Wellbutrin.  At first I felt like I was in a fog. I was completely disconnected and didn't give a crap about anything. Now, I feel better. more like myself. I'm alot happier and feeling stronger. I know that it is probably a temporary fix but I will take it for now.

So, with spring comes the lovely field trip time.  April is a busy month!!! I get to go on an overnight field trip to the zoo with Zack. Of course I will be stuck in a room with a bunch of girls that I don't know. Yeah!!
The same week, Jake's class is going to Frankfort. That should be fun. I will know a lot of people on that one.
The following week, Carter's class is going to the museum center and the week after that, Peyton's class is going to Sun Rock farm! Whew!!  I'm going to be worn out!!
I have to enjoy it now. I won't be long before they don't want me along on field trips.

I'm going to bake cookies with my smallest baby. :-)

Lets see how I feel after the Women of Joy conference this weekend.......

random

Why does everything seem like a struggle? It seems like there has never been a point in my life when I wasn't fighting for something.
This depression/anxiety is taking over. It doesn't matter what I do. Meds aren't helping, Exercise isn't helping, Even the sun doesn't seem to help. I'm so sick of feeling like crap all of the time. I can't explain it to anyone either because no one seems to understand. Steve tries, basically because he is the only person I can talk to about it. I have tried to talk to other people and I usually get a bewildered look or an uncomfortable laugh. I just stopped trying as far as friends and the rest of my family are concerned.
I wish I could find the right therapist or medicine or combination of the two. I have had it with therapy. It doesn't do anything. The last one I went to just kept telling me to read books. If I wanted self-help books I wouldn't be paying for therapy!!! DUH!  Then they made me see a different doc for meds. I am uncomfortable enough with telling a stranger all of my problems, don't make me do it twice.
I'm hoping that warm weather and flowers are on the way. Maybe if I can get outside...go hiking and camping, even swimming will be wonderful....just maybe I will feel better. I'm looking forward to summer break. I just hope the boys will find a way to get along with each other and it can be a pleasant summer. We already have a bunch of camping planned. All with friends and family so I know we will be having some fun.

I need help God!  You are the only one who can give it to me. Please help me to shake the shadow that hangs over me and let me be happy. Help me to give Steve and the boys the wife and mother that they deserve. Not this grumpy pain in the butt they have been living with. Help me to be comfortable within myself and not feel like I'm always on the edge. Show me the way Lord.

Shadow puppets

The power went off this morning around 6. Thunder and lightening were causing chaos in the sky. Carter woke up from all of the noise and his fear of thunderstorms. He climbed into bed with me and snuggled up. Steve brought a candle in to sit on the nightstand beside me. Carter and I laid there and made shadow puppets together. He is much better at it than I am. 
I so loved listening to him giggle. It was like he was having the time of his life. There is something so sweet about the sound of that boy laughing. It is absolutely music to me. He has the best laugh in the world. We had our own little, magical world even if it was only for a little while.
Jake stayed home today. He wasn't feeling well this morning so I took him to the doctor. Just a simple sinus infection. No strep or flu.
Peyton stayed at school a little longer than usual since I had to take Jake to the doc. When I walked into that classroom to pick him up, he ran at me and wrapped his arms around my legs like he hadn't seen me in days.
I don't know how to preserve all of these sweet memories. The sights, the sounds, the scents. Time is flying by in the blink of an eye and all my babies are growing up. What will I do when there are no more little giggles or hugs. No more little voices calling out to me. No one needing me like they do now. I honestly don't know. It's like my whole world is revolving around them.  Where does it go when they aren't here? What is my purpose then??